Sunday, June 21, 2009

El Refugio

Este cuento lo escribí hace mas de año y medio así que los precios puedden haber cambiado tanto como otros detalles los cuales leerán en la historia. Si conoces el lugar (EL REFUGIO) te disfrutarás más esta pendejá. Gracias.

El jueves pasado tenía ganas de joder y de beber y, sabiendo que ya muchos estudiantes están de vacaciones, emprendí en una noche de mucha nota. Me habían comentado de una barra en Río Piedras llamada El Refugio. Me la describieron como la típica barra de estudiantes: cerca de la universidad, bebelata barata y tipetas por todas partes. Me pompié pa' caerle.

Antes de salir al refugio invito a dos panas a casa: Iván y Charlie. Charlie se encargaría de guiar esta noche; éste sería un buen momento para decirte lo responsables que somos mis panas y yo, ya que designamos un conductor. La realidad del caso es que eso no significa que Iván y yo esperemos que él beba menos que nosotros o que no beba en lo absoluto, solamente significa que tiene un carro con un aire acondicionado que funciona. Antes de salir le ofrezco a mis invitados unos tragos de DonQ con Coca-Cola. El plan era tomarnos solamente uno para salir rápidamente hacia El Refugio pero mientras nos dábamos ese primer palo, a Charlie se le ocurre la maravillosa idea de decir que ha estado “como con ochenta mujeres”… BULLSHIT!! Cuando escucho esto no vacilo ni un segundo para refutarle:

Yo: “¿Cabrón, de que carajo tu hablas si yo te conozco hace mas de un año y solamente te he visto con una mujer?” Nunca recuerdo haberlo visto con una mujer que no sea familia, ‘una buena amiga’ o la de algún pana cuando las acorrala con sus cuentos, pero tomando en consideración que siempre que lo veo estoy volando en cantos le dí el beneficio de la duda.

Charlie: “Bueno loco porque yo las llamo y me encuentro con ellas. ¡No es como que yo las saque a pasear! Y muchas son feas anyways.”… BULLSHIT!! Que embustero el tipo este, nis que ‘muchas son feas’. El tipo se pilló en una esquina de tal forma que decidió que en vez de hablar claro y decir que no era verdad y que en verdad se ha tirau a dos mujeres en su vida (a Manuela y a una chica de lo mas buena gente que se encontró caminando por la Ave. Ponce de León a las tres de la mañana), prefirió mentirles a sus amigos y quedar como un puerco que se ha tirau a 80 lechoncitos.

Yo: “Ochenta mujeres son ochenta mujeres cabrón. Vete pal’ carajo. Ni aunque me dijeras que veinte fueron putas baratas te lo creo. Jodio pelau! Nunca tienes chavos ni pa’ comprarte tus cigarrillos”


Antes de continuar quiero aclarar que el alcohol funciona de una manera bien bonita cuando se junta conmigo. No es que me emborrache rápido, pero desde el primer trago que me doy siento un libertinaje espléndido y no vuelvo a ser el mismo hasta la mañana siguiente. Ya para este punto en la corta conversación me estoy levantando para hacerme un segundo trago. La conversación se había puesto interesante y no quería arruinarla abandonando el lugar donde ésta comenzó. Mi casa.

Ofrezco más bebidas e Iván me levanta su vaso vacío indicándome con ese simple gesto que desea un “refill”. Así es que Iván suele comunicarse, por medio de gestos corporales a veces no percibidos por los que no lo conocen. Iván es un tipo que se podría decir que le pone mas valor a las palabras que cualquier otro ser humano y decide que la mayoría del tiempo “¿pa' que hablar?”. Es un tipo de tan pocas palabras que sus expresiones faciales varían poco unas de otras. Hace varias semanas lo vi y me pareció que algo le molestaba pero nunca pude descifrar qué. Me enteré varios días después que se había ganado $5,000 en el casino del Marriott jugando la ruleta. Es muy fácil confundir su total agonía con felicidad extática y vice-versa. Estaba como siempre muy callado pero muy atento a los comentarios intercambiados porque retó a Charlie.

Iván: “Dale, tirate una hoy”
Quiero hacer una pausa, de yo haberme chichado a 80 mujeres en mi corta carrera, pensaría que las probabilidades estarán a favor mio la mayoría del tiempo. Especialmente en tiempo gastado en una barra frente a la UPR.
Charlie: “Diablo pero es que ustedes se creen que ahora por yo confesar esto significa que estoy diciendo que me tiro mujeres cada vez que salgo". Vease el uso de la palabra "confesar" como si Charlie de repente es la víctima del cuento. "Deja ver, mira, yo llevo chichando desde los 16 y tengo 25. [Aquí hubo una pausa, para Charlie las matemáticas son un reto.] O sea que me tiro a menos de diez mujeres al año.” ¡Dando culo! Charlie quiso hablar de todas sus mujeres; sin embargo, cuando lo retaron pegó a hacer números como toda una basura de persona.

Al ser Charlie y tratarse de un amigo no le tire con el vaso ni lo mande a callar, simplemente intenté explicarle que lo que acaba de decir no hace sentido.

Yo: “Viste los primeros cuatro años (de los 16 hasta los 20 años de edad de Charlie) no cuentan porque las mujeres no son tan promiscuas hasta después de los veinte. Además, yo creo que podemos asumir que casi todas tus supuestas jebas eran un año menor que tú o más. Así que por los primeros cinco años ponle a dos por año. Significa que de tus 80 jebas te quedan 70 en los últimos cuatro años para que contabilices. Sou mas de quince anuales.” <---espero no haberte perdido con esta numerología.
Esta declaración a mi me hizo un sentido rotundo pero Iván y Charlie se quedaron medio anonadados y ni me traté de explicar. Al momento me pareció como un problema matemático muy complicado para explicarles. Mi contacto con estos dos individuos durante el último año ha sido siempre en barras o bajo los efectos del alcohol así que opté irme por la ruta por la cual se iría Iván y tomé en vez de hablar. Claro, nunca puedo descartar la posibilidad de que Iván sí me entendió, evaluó lo dicho, y simplemente no le pareció lo suficientemente importante para merecer gesto alguno. Retiramos el tema de la mesa aunque el reto de Charlie tirarse a alguien permaneció en su cabeza.

Después de hablar otra babosería más decidimos comenzar a salir para llegar al Refugio antes de las 10:00pm. Los tres nos bajamos lo que nos quedaba de los tragos y nos levantamos de la mesa. Yo me dirijo hacia la cocina para buscar vasos de plástico mientras en mi sabiduría infinita, le grito a mi visita:
- “¿Mera quieren unos palitos calle?”

Ambos declinaron pero yo cordialmente accedí a mi oferta (me hice un trago). Llegamos al Refugio 15 minutos después y rápidamente me agrada lo que veo. La barra, al parecer, fue una casa en un punto dado pero a algún genio se le ocurrió la magnífica idea de hacer una estupenda barra en la cual las medallas son baratas y los tragos también. Uno sabe que está en un buen lugar cuando ves que el bartender está dando six-packs de Medalla todavía con el plástico que une a las seis latas. Yo estaba en mi edén, y aunque siempre prefiero tomar ron que cerveza, decidí improvisar e irme con las beers para mezclar el alcohol en mi sistema y eventualmente vomitar. Iván y Charlie estaban afuera esperando y llego con el primer six-pack. Lo hacemos mierda como en siete minutos y ahora le tocaba a Iván entrar a la barra. En menos de un minuto sale con otro six-pack. Pa' un tipo que no habla un carajo, es sorprendente la velocidad con la que puede conseguir bebidas en barras llenas. Es como si el tipo le hace un boquete en la espalda al bartender con la mirada y lo tienen que atender. Es una cosa bastante impresionante.

El segundo six-pack lo liquidamos bastante rápido. Ahora le tocaba a Charlie comprar un tercero. Iván como ya les mencioné no habla casi, así que después de estar como media hora allí, cuando Charlie se va a comprar mas cerveza me comenta que ha estado antes en El Refugio y que la barra es famosa por sus chichaitos y tenemos que darnos unos “shots” antes de irnos. Me tomó un segundo registrar lo que pasaba ya que no estaba seguro si en verdad Iván había hablado; estaba ya un poco picau y me sorprendió. Después de haber ya registrado que Iván sí había hablado ,y que era conmigo, consideré su comentario. Ya para este punto en la noche yo me había tomado cuatro tragos de ron y cuatro cervezas; así que la idea de intoxicarme más con algo nuevo (shots de chichaito), sonó como algo no muy lejos del comentario más inteligente que yo había escuchado en toda mi vida.
Charlie llega a donde estábamos con tres cervezas. ¿Tres cervezas?!? Que hijueputa este tipo, yo compro seis, Iván compra seis y Charlie, el muy cabrón, compra solamente tres. Rápido Iván y yo lo estamos acribillando por maceta y por ser una mierda de persona. El se defiende diciendo que llegamos en el carro de el y que él tiene derecho a traer tres cervezas en vez de seis. Ahora sí que cierro los ojos y pido al Señor que me de fuerza para no tirarlo frente a un carro. Como si a mi me importara un carajo que el guió… nosotros le compramos dos beers cada uno y el nos trae una… cabrón. Después pensé coger par de dólares y tirárselos en la cara pero el tipo está tan cabrón que es capaz de coger y metérselos en el bolsillo para ir ahorrando pa su tercer polvo. Mientras me estoy tomando mi cerveza me dirijo hacia la barra para pedir dos shots del famoso chichaito del cual me había descarrilado debido al atrevimiento de las cervezas. Pal’ carajo el otro miserable, que se quede con su cerveza. Después de una corta espera, el bartender, que es un señor como de 50, seguramente el dueño, me tira una mirada que significa “que te puedo ofrecer?”
Yo: “Dame dos shots de chichaito”.
Bartender: “¿Que quieres? ¿Una caneca?”

Yo: “No no. Dos shots de chichaito”.

El bartender pone una cara que dice “hay bendito hijo, si supieras que no sabes nada” y se acerca a mí. Se recuesta de la barra como para hacer énfasis en que lo que me va a decir es algo muy importante y debo prestarle toda mi atención.
Bartender: “Mera papi yo te voy a hablar bien claro. Yo te puedo vender los dos “shots” y te puedo clavar cobrándote tres pesos por cada uno. Por qué no mejor te compras esta caneca que está a $3.50”.

Estas canecas tenían el sello de Palo Viejo. A mi entender el bartender me estaba vendiendo ron solo. Después aprendí que utilizaban las canecas de PaloViejo para depositar ahí el chichaito. Yo todavía no captaba. Me parece que estaba comenzando a analizar lo que este caballero me estaba tratando de comunicar pero mi cerebro no me permitía procesar esta información tan formidable.

Yo: “Pero es que lo que yo quiero es chichaito no ron”

Nuevamente, la cara, pero esta vez dice algo como “hay bendito hijo, vuelve a porfiarme que te rompo la caneca en la cabeza y te meto los cristales rotos en los ojos mientras te doy patadas en las bolas.”… o algo así Bartender: “Pues papi, ¡eso es lo que tiene esto!!”

Yo: “¿Esas canecas tienen anís?”

Ya el bartender se estaba dando por vencido de explicarle esto a un estúpido y se dirige a otro cliente para atenderlo. Ese cliente le pide chichaito y el bartender coge una de las muchas canecas que había en una tablilla y se la da recibiendo exactamente $3.50 en sus manos. Yo me quedo callado con un billete de diez en una mano y mi cerveza en la otra. Comencé a reflexionar lo que había pasado en casa como una hora antes, acerca de mi declaración de los años, las ochenta mujeres y mi rechazo a una mejor explicación. Eso era exactamente lo que había hecho el bartender. Y vi la luz!

Yo: “Dame dos canecas desas.” Tomo éste momento para decir que creo que el bartender es tremendo tipo. Decidió en vez de clavarme con los dos shots, resultando en más dinero para su bolsillo, dejarme registrar la información que me había dado. Es como si el tipo, en su infinita sabiduría, sabía que yo eventualmente vería la luz. Si algún día lees esto te quiero decir: eres un servidor al pueblo y tu desinteresado esfuerzo para ayudar a cientos sino miles de universitarios a coger rosquetas y tomar malas decisiones nunca será olvidado.

Y ahí fue cuando El Refugio se convirtió en mi barra favorita. Por $3.50 el bartender te da la caneca con unos cuantos vasitos plásticos de shot. Por $3.50 compras una notita más que chévere. Por $3.50 todos tus sueños se hacen realidad.
Cuando salgo a donde estábamos ubicados hacían diez minutos, Iván y Charlie no estaban por todo aquello. Yo prosigo con el primero de muchos shots en la noche. Me debo de haber visto bien alcohólico porque es muy difícil agarrar una cerveza, dos canecas y los vasitos; más difícil aún es abrir una de las canecas y servirte un shot. Después de haber luchado tratando de hacerlo todo sin soltar nada, opte por la idea más práctica: poner la cerveza en el piso y guardarme la segunda caneca en el bolsillo trasero. Logré servirme una porción. Y cuando el líquido tocó mi lengua, entendí por qué se llama como se llama. Así mismito terminé. Y con el cantazo que sientes con ese primer “shot” de chichaito, me tiré “el bailesito”. Esos bailesitos que si no te los tiras vomitas, los que parecen un “mating call” de algún animal que uno ve en el Discovery Channel. Meneando la cabeza como diciendo que no mientras haces un sonido, como si tuvieses flema en la garganta.

De repente llegan Iván y Charlie. Ya se me había olvidado la cuestión de no querer comprarle nada a Charlie. Me sentía como el héroe de la noche. Rápido les explico lo que tengo en las manos. Charlie rápido me pide un shot y muestra su alegría comenzando a hacer una historia de “una vez cuando yo estaba en Gurabo…” Sospechando que lo que venía por ahí era un cuento de una hora que no solo no me interesaba escuchar, sino que antes de escucharlo ya estaba convencido de que era un embuste intercedí inmediatamente, “Cállate la boca y date el shot que a nadie le importa.” Ya para este punto estoy un poco borracho y bastante sincero. Iván opta por pedirme otro shot, pero más sutilmente. Por esto, lo que quiero decir es, se quedó parado mirándome hasta que le serví el shot y se lo pasé.

Después de darnos el primer round oficial de chichaíto, y Charlie y yo nos tiramos el bailesito, Iván hace una mirada que lo que significa es: “hagan una pausa que voy a decir algo en un segundo”.

Iván: “Pa’ esas canecas es que la gente viene para acá.”

El tipo nunca me había especificado que el chichaíto lo vendían en canecas! Los que me conocen saben que a mi hay que explicarme bien las cosas. Especialmente cuando estoy bebiendo. Yo, en mi nota, me endiablé con Iván por no haberme explicado la magnitud de la especialidad del Refugio; pero algo que nunca pierdo, no importa que tan ebrio esté, son mis prioridades. Por lo tanto decido no decir nada y servir tres shots en vez. El vacilón estaba comenzando porque El Refugio queda en una calle residencial y la gente janguea en la calle. Justo al frente del negocio es donde nosotros tres nos encontrábamos. Realmente estábamos mas cerca de la casa que está frente al Refugio, que de la barra persé. Y el residente de dicho hogar (justo al frente) salió al balcón y nos pidió, muy amablemente, que bajáramos la voz. No los dijo a nosotros pero el señor me estaba mirando a mí. Cuatro tragos de ron, cinco cervezas, dos shots de chichaito y contando. Al que me ha visto a lo loco, sabe que me pongo a hablar bien alto. Como si siempre hubiese música en el background. A veces me encuentro hablándole a la gente al oído. Ese es el tipo de borrachón que soy; todos conocemos a uno, y ese soy yo.

Avergonzados por el comentario del residente, mis invitados deciden que nos movamos. El trío dinámico intentó hacer múltiples acercamientos a varios grupitos de nenas, todos resultando en desastre. En gran parte creo que fue por mi culpa porque recuerdo a Charlie diciéndome que nunca íbamos a tener éxito si yo seguía gritando. Quizá Charlie exageraba cuando utilizaba el término “gritando” pero lo mas seguro es que yo era el mas bocón por todo aquello.

Una de las bellezas del alcohol es que cuando uno está bajo sus efectos, todo lo que uno hace, hace un sentido perfecto y no se puede hacer de mejor manera. Por lo menos en la mente de uno. Ya eran como las 11:20 y decidimos comprar mas cervezas antes de continuar con el despilfarre de chichaito. Entramos los tres y alguien compró tres cervezas más. Iván sugiere que entremos “a la terrazita”. Me sentí aturdido porque durante toda la noche había pensado que todos los consumidores del negocio estaban o al frente de la barra (dentro de la casa) o en la calle. Entramos al negocio e Iván pasa la barra a su mano derecha y sale por una puerta que hay a mano izquierda; ahí se encontraba “la terrazita”, este lugar lo recuerdo como algo mucho más grande que una simple terrazita y me asombró causándome una pavera incontrolable. Era tal que no me dejaba ver por las lágrimas que brotaban de mis ojos. Entre risas, mire a estos dos cabrones y recuerdo haberme dado cuenta, en mi nota, de que estaban avergonzándose de mi. Esto me pareció algo muy entretenido y con potencial para explotarlo. ¡Pero es que coño! Primero, Iván me privó del detalle de que los chichaítos los están prácticamente regalando; y después, me esconde que, al lado de la casa, hay una terraza del tamaño de una cancha de baloncesto pero con sillas y banquitos. ¡Puñeta nosotros estábamos jangueando en la acera cabrón!

Mientras servía otros shots, tomé al primer individuo a mi mano derecha y le hecho el brazo para explicarle lo asombrado que estaba porque mientras nosotros tres janguiábamos en la calle, existía una super terrazota con un cojón de sillas y mesas y mujeres por todas partes. Esto se lo digo casi gritando mientras me reía y lloraba. Siento que el individuo me toma la mano como para salirse del agarre y cuando miro bien era una mujer. No era muy linda pero con la cara de asco y desentretenimiento que tenía, me encantó. Intenté salvaguardar la situación y le pedí disculpas, dije “te pareces muchísimo a una amiga mía, hace años no la veo.” Ella con cara de agriá', respodió “Ah, OK.” Hubo como dos segundos de silencio y noté que esta nena no se iba conmigo hoy. Luego dije lo único que me vino a la mente: “siéntate”. Y ella reaccionó muy confundida me miró con una cara de “no entiendo” o de “no voy a seguir tus instrucciones.” Empezó a mirar a los lados como buscando dónde yo le pedía que se sentara, se vira, y con una actitud que te dan ganas de cogerla por el pelo y tirarla al piso dice, “¿que te pasa a ti nene, que me siente a donde?” Así que yo le batié con la única explicación que le pude dar: “que te sientes en mi cara”. La nena me dio un empujón y yo quedé sembrado en una mesa que había detrás de mí. Aunque estaba muy cómodo, me levanté rápido porque noté que cuando caí en el banco se me mojó todo el culo.

Yo: “¡Cabrones esta mesita está empapá puñeta! Siempre termino pisando el mojón del perro o sentándome en la mesita toa' mojá”

Esto hizo que Iván y Charlie se olvidaran momentáneamente del papelón que yo estaba haciendo y de la vergüenza que estaban pasando. Comenzaron a reírse a carcajadas y yo los acompañé con mis risas. Más o menos al mismo tiempo que me empezaron a doler los abdominales, recuerdo haber realizado que se estaban riendo de mi y no de lo que le dije a la nena que me empujó.

Charlie: “Loco límpiate la cara estas to’ babiau’. Pareces un perro, cabrón.”

Charlie dice esto literalmente meandose de la risa. ¿Y yo miro a Iván con cara de “loco no se que hacer, me limpio?” COmo que la loquera me explotó de cantaso. Iván me contestó con nada y no me limpié la cara. De seguro anduve por ahí un rato cabrón con toda la boca babiada y el culo empapado. Uno hace unas cosas borracho que no se explican. El mero hecho de agarrarte el bicho mientras meas puede ser un “task”. De igual manera, me sentí muy cansado como para secarme la saliva de la boca y quijada. Imagínate lo algarete que estaba, que andaba por ahí babeándome mientras hablaba. Sin lugar a duda fui el borracho más desagradable de la noche. Bienvenidos al Refugio.

Por razones concernientes a nuestra seguridad, nos tuvimos que largar pal carajo. Ya para este punto en la noche sentía una piquiña y un ardor terrible en las nalgas. Pero moví hacia el lado todas mis preocupaciones y me dediqué a continuar la travesía. Travesía = conseguir que alguien etre al Refugio y me comprase otra caneca. Lo logré y ni vasitos necesité.


Nos montamos en el carro de Charlie y nos dirigimos a otro lugar. Me picaba el culo pero eso no me iba a detener.

Todavía ninguno de nosotros había tenido éxito con las mujeres con las que hablamos. Así que cuando llegamos a la segunda barra de la noche, yo tenía solo una meta en mi cabeza… seguir bebiendo y no bajar nota. Con ese modus operandi logré acaparar a una dama con mi línea clásica para conocer desconocidas: “oye tu si que tienes una cara de que la estás pasando bien”. Esta línea no falla si se lo dices a una chica con cara de, “me estoy comiendo un cable” además de decirla con tono sarcástico. De repente estamos teniendo una conversación fantástica de cometas y de lo mucho que me gustan los perros. Recuerdo haberme impresionado conmigo mismo por los embustes que me estaba ingeniando. Yo detesto los perros. Entre una babosería y otra recuerdo que ella mencionó que su trago preferido era el DonQ con Coca-Cola, y en ese preciso momento me enamoré. Comenzamos a besarnos allí mismo en la barra y ella sugiere “irnos para otro lado”. Yo accedí antes de que ella terminara de hablar. Próxima escena que recuerdo es estar en el carro de ella besándonos y quitándonos la ropa. Ella ya estaba en tetas y no daba indicio ni de vergüenza ni de parar de hacer lo que estábamos haciendo. Con un poco de dificultad nos logramos mover al asiento de atrás. Más o menos aquí le pregunto el nombre y me dice que se llama Brenda. Y la realidad del caso es que pensé que se desmotivaría al yo preguntar su nombre tan tarde en nuestro encuentro… me equivoqué. Brenda resultó ser una nimfo de closet y yo no tenía ningún problema con eso. Sin comer mierda me comienza a desbrochar la correa y bajar los pantalones mientras me daba besos en el ombligo. Mi noche estaba dando un giro tremendo de ser una noche buena a convertirse en una noche inolvidable. Hasta que ella me comienza a bajar mis boxers grises y dice, en tono de alarma y pánico:

“¿Tu me estás tripiando?” Ya aquí ella tiene la cara que uno pone cuando se acerca algo apestoso a la nariz. “¿Que carajo te pasa a ti? Estas to’ lleno de sangre y...” Corta pausa mientras pasaba su dedo índice’ por mis caderas antes de introducírselo a la boca. “Ron!”.

En ese preciso momento capté todo lo que me había pasado desde que salimos del Refugio. Y entendí mas aún el poder del chichaito de tan grandiosa barra. En aquel tirijala que tuve con las dos canecas, la cerveza y los vasitos; antes de mi primer shot, había guardado la segunda caneca en el bolsillo trasero de mis mahones. Iván tanto como Charlie nunca se enteró de que había una segunda caneca. Inclusive, yo mismo, al guardarla en el bolsillo, olvide su existencia. Al parecer, cuando le dije el comentario soez a la chica en “la terrazita” del refugio, ella me empujó al banquito y en ese momento es que se me tiene que haber explotado la caneca. En mi nota nunca me detuve a analizar por qué estaba “mojado” o por qué me ardía tanto el culo.

De más está decir que no pasó nada con la Brenda y que en gran parte fue por mi culpa. No mi culpa en el sentido de que YO fui el que hizo que se me explotara la caneca en mi culo; sino que, después de la realización del desastre, mis prioridades eran sacarme la sangre del culo antes de verificar si las heridas eran material de hospital. Gracias a Dios no lo fueron, pero tengo dos cicatrices que hacen como un par de paréntesis en mi nalga derecha.

Todas estas medidas preventivas se llevaron a cabo en el baño de aquella segunda barra. Y cuando salí, encontré a estos dos cabrones para contarles lo que había sucedido. La risa de Iván fue una risa pobre si se compara con la del episodio de mi cara babeada, pero fue una risa honesta y satisfactoria para mí. Por otro lado, Charlie estaba encabronau’. Yo no entendía que le pasaba hasta que se vira y comienza a caminar hacia su carro. Todavía estaba confundido y cuando miro a Iván, él tampoco tenía puta idea de lo que estaba ocurriendo. No entendíamos que hace Charlie o para donde va con esa cara de perro. Le preguntamos y nada. Cuando finalmente llegamos al carro el abre la puerta de atrás y se fija detenidamente en el asiento donde yo estaba sentado cuando salimos del Refugio. Hasta pega la nariz para oler el asiento, cuando se retractó me indicó que haga lo mismo. Inmediatamente lo hice y luego prendí la luz interior del carro. En este punto entendí, y me quito el sombrero ante Charlie que pudo atar los cabos y verificar su carro para un cagaero de ron y sangre. Efectivamente, yo me encontraba frente a la puerta casi de rodillas riéndome. No podía creer lo que había pasado. Me había sentado en su carro todo lleno de ron con un poco de sangre. Y una porción considerable de sangre sí había manchado el asiento.

Charlie (gritando): “Miiira esto cabróóóón. Esa mancha no va a salir ni pal carajo.” aquí él como que tuvo un momento de relajación celestial y como que recapacitó la situación. “Estamos a lo loco. Ahora voy a tener que hacerle una limpieza full a este asiento de que con shampoo y to’”

El mismo se tranquilizó, pero el comentario que se llevó la medalla de oro de la noche lo dijo el hablador del trío: Iván; “Por embustero y maceta. Hubieses comprado seis medallas. ¿Cabrón y la jeba esa que te ibas a tirar?”

188 comments:

j.darko said...

diablo q badtrip con lo de la botella y la sangre t hecho a perder un polvo jajajaja pero lo mejor fue el comentario de Ivan jajajajajaja le recodo lo de la jeva que mal jajaja!!!

Ana-K-ona said...

Eah, esta historia esta larguita pero cool. Hasta me senti borracha mientras la iba leyendo.

Que trio de borrachines son ustedes!! El exceso de alcohol no trae jevas. Tal vez una cochofle de vez en cuando.

Ya empezaron con las canecas como los viejitos. jijijiji

No beban tanto que van a terminar con el culo ensangrentao' en vez de las nalgas, la proxima vez.

jejeje Me gusto tu historia.

Nerdote said...

Como siempre, Gracias por tripiar. Esta es otra historia q tenía archivada en la compu hacía tiempo ya y decidí vomitarla aqui con uno que otro cambio. Gracias por leer!

Y lo del culo ensangrentado Ana. . . siéntate... a esperar.

Alkarah José Hirán said...

Acabo de llegar de jangear y me puse a leer esto, estoy medio borracho, que cabrón eres. Cuando lo de tirarle los pesos en la cara pero que no porque después los coje te quedo cabrón, Jangear allí es chillin, y como dice Ana leyendo tu historia uno se siente borracho, jaja, que cabrón.

Alkarah José Hirán said...

¡¡¡Vamo a beber puñeta!!!

la incordia said...

Demasiado largo y aburrido. Ni lo termine de leer. Borrachon. =p

Nerdote said...

¡Que chabienda!

Feto said...

Ambos declinaron pero yo cordialmente accedí a mi oferta.
Muy cabrón.

y es verdad, uno se siente q esta bebiendo mientras lee

Cabrón vamos pal refigio y yo invito q ultimamente la pelambrera esta afectando tu vida socioalcoholica. Tenemos cosas q celebrar como lo del parto y lo del show.

Felicidades en tu dia papá

Alkarah José Hirán said...

¿Nerdote es papá? Mera....

Rayno Miranda said...

Super Chevere.

Capitán Puñeta said...

Q Nerdote es un Pai!?!? No vacileeee!!!

embudo said...

me asombra como un borrachon, cafre, baboso y tierroso como tu pueda tener tan buena ortografia...

Alkarah José Hirán said...

Aparentemente embudo no sabe quien es Edgar Allan Poe, cuando uno tiene vicios es cuando mejor se escribe so pendejo, todos los post míos los hago arrebatao con cripy de la Perla.

Con Nerdote no te metas so huelebicho, te voy a echar a la mafia de Aguas Buenas que todos tienen tatuajes en el cuello que dicen "27".

Odio es lo que hay para embudo, Nerdote tranquilo, los bloggeros estan contigo.

Capitán Puñeta said...

Odio puñeta!!!! Mucho Odiooo con cuatro ''O'', una ''D'' y una ''i'', es lo que hay pa' Embudo Coje Poelculo!

Se activaron los blogiadores con vicios, incluyendo por supuesto, Fumar Cronica, Beber Chichaito y en ocasiones, chichar con gordas.

embudo said...

alkarah, estas empepao o es que te agitas siempre tan rapido? yo te tengo para ti un embudo para que no se te haga dificil meterte por el culo al capitan puñeta

Nerdote said...

Ok, no soy papá.

Embudo vámonos un día a janguiar con Capiñeta y con Alkarah a coger nota es lo que hay que hacer puñeta!!

Shangai said...

Diablo el refugio!! ... par de six packs cuatro canecas y cuando cierren a mirar los cocolos periqueros en el boricua ... era cool ...

Dios bendiga el ron con anis y todo lo que uno experimenta cuando lo toma.

embudo said...

Nerdote, me caes bien, y claro que nos vamos a janguiar un dia de estos pero los cochofles que encontremos son pa' tus amigos alkarah y capitan puñeta, a ver cual de los dos luego se tira el cuento de tu amigo charlie con sus 80 cricas feas....
jajaaaaaaaa
es mejor calidad que cantidad

Nerdote said...

mejor calidad? no sé si estoy de acuerdo...

embudo said...

te entiendo porque despues de los chichaitos a quien le importa lo que es mejor, esa es la suerte que tienen las feas, que existe el ron
yo por no beber tanto como tu me quedo con la calidad porque a la larga, me valen mas los gratos recuerdos que las nauseas

O.A.J.Vélez said...

Esta historia estuvo excelente mano.

Nerdote said...

Siempre lees los long ass muthafuckas! Gracias!

embudo said...

mirate este video, Nerdote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ-HtVBzWm0

Nerdote said...

jaja la cancion etsa cabronsisimaa! Ese deberia de ser el soundtrack de par de panas q tengo. Q se tiran a cuanto meketrefe hay por ahi....

Lui said...

"decidí improvisar e irme con las beers para mezclar el alcohol en mi sistema y eventualmente vomitar." - genial

Nerdote said...

ese es el truquito duuh!

Guillermo González said...

Estaba chevere la historia. Te recomiendo que leas Hunter S. Thompson. Este cuento se parece a los de él, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas y The Rum Diary.

Thumbs Up! Sigue escribiendo!

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Anonymous said...

suspiro* como extraño el refugio, yo solia darme puff- shot de chichaito-medalla y despues botar el humo… un despingue total.
ps. este blog necesita convertirse en libro.

Rosamaria said...

jajajaja por que rayos no lei esto antes!?
Mi favorito! ajajaja

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