Monday, March 8, 2010

¿Como Manifestarte después de Comer Pollo?


Cagar después de comer pollo es un peligro.

Yo nunca me limpio bien las manos después de comer pollo. En vez de usar servilletas, prefiero chuparme los dedos una vez haya terminado. Estos tienen carne blanca, pellejo y grasita, ¿pa' qué carajo voy a desperdiciar toda esa comida?

Pues los otros días, estaba en un famoso lugar de pollo en Santurce. Antes de poder terminar mi medio pollo, me entraron unos retortijones super intensos. De que: "nerdo, tu culo está apunto de estallar, una bomba de caca está apunto de manifestarse, localiza un inodoro y brega con esta situación AHORA".

Así mismo me levanté de la mesa y corrí hacia el baño.

Para mi era sumamente importante no contaminar el pollo que estaba en mis manos. Esa pendejá no se iba a desperdiciar. Abrir la puerta fue un obstáculo que conquisté en un segundo. Utilizando mis codos y antebrazos, logré darle vueltas a la percha (de la puerta) y entrar al baño. Me debo de haber visto medio pescabicho pero que se chabe. Por suerte, el baño era como de casa, un inodoro, un lavamanos y ya. Nada de cubículos y bastante privado. Cerré, me bajé los pantalones (con la parte inferior de mis palmas) y pegué a escuchar el pedregal de mojones impactar el agua.

Plop, splash. Plop, splash. . .
'Ñeta qué rico.


Como a los 3 minutos, ya había terminado. Olvídate aquello fue una cagada triunfosa. Preparé el típico rectángulo de papel (de inodoro), con varias capas y lo introduje entre mis nalgas.

Una vez lo retiré, pude observar que todavía quedaba una saludable cantidad de caca en las afueras del culo mío. Necesitaría pasar un retoque. Yo no sé como ustedes hacen, pero yo cojo el rectángulo de papel, y lo doblo para que el crayolaso de caca se quede en sus interiores. La idea es exponer un lado limpio del papel para poder nuevamente pasar el papel entre mis nalgas. Es entonces cuando todo se dañó pal carajo . . .

Dado a que tenía pollo y grasita en mis dedos, al tratar de maniobrar el papel para doblarlo, el hijueputa pegó a romperse. La grasita y comida, habían creado un tipo de pegatina natural en mis dedos, y al tratar de despegar mis dedos de el papel para hacer el truquito ese de doblar pa' volver a limpiar, pego a hacerse añicos el cabrón.

Cada dedo estaba a cargo de una pequeña zona de desastre en el papel. Si no me hubiese paniqueado, quizá el cagaero no tenía que llegar al nivel que llegó.

Pensando hacia atrás, yo debí de haberme tranquilizado. Si hubiese logrado mantener mi compostura, colocaba el papel en el lavamanos, y con mucha calma, utilizaría la otra mano para desprender los trozitos de papel de mis dedos, minimizando así la zona de desastre.

Pero ajá, eso no fue lo que sucedió. A medida de que me percaté de que mis dedos pegajosos estaban despedazando el papel de inodoro, mis instintos me dijeron: "jala por ahí pa' bajo que eso se despega con un buen jalón, lambebicho". Eso mismo hice: jalar con ímpetu. El resultado de este comportamiento fue deshacer todo el rectángulo de papel y convertirlo en 4 tiras individuales guindando de mis dedos (el meñique permanece limpio cuando como pollo).

Yo parecía un Spider Man cualquiera, con telarañas emanando de mis dedos. Telarañas pero con caca en ellas en vez de ajá, material de telarañas, era papel de inodoro lo que guindaba. Anyways. Como eran bastante largas, mis telarañas cagás estaban barriendo el piso.

No podía tocarlas con la otra mano porque planeaba comer pollo todavía, y exacto, ¿quién carajo va a comer pollo con manos que han tocado caca? Opté por introducir las tiritas en el inodoro y jalar la cadena. A ver si eso lograba desprender mis telarañas. Y eso hice: metí las tiritas en el agua con caca y con fuerza, halé la cadena. Aquel inodoro sacó un flush de aeropuerto. Su alboroto y el efecto de succión, logró chuparse to' el papel pal' carajo. Con la excepción de las puntitas de mis dedos. Ahí quedaba un poquito de papel. Como el caparazón de una tortuga, pero una costrita de papel caramelizado en las puntas de mis dedos. También quedaban residuos de comida y grasita.

Salí del baño y terminé de jampearme ese pollo. Estaba riquísimo. Quizá un poco frío pero que se joda, ¡sabía brutal! De que dejé los huesitos limpiecitos. Mientras me chupaba los dedos de la mano derecha, que tenía cantitos de papel, además de deliciosa comidita y grasita, me percaté de algo muy importante.

¡Nunca llegué a limpiarme bien el culo! Allá abajo quedaba caca todavía.

Me levanté de la mesa y, con mucha calma, caminé hacia el baño. Caminé como todo un vaquero cangrejil. To' espatarrau'. Todo con el fin de no terminar con caca espachurrá entre mis nalgas. Esa pendejá lo que da es rash.

Pues cuando llegué al baño y me pasé el papel. El culo mío estaba impecable. Como los huesitos del pollo. La caca había desaparecido. La verdá es que no tengo explicación, fue todo un triunfo.

Pollo. Cagar. Pollo. Limpiarme. Limpieza.

By the way, la comidita mezclá con grasita y papel no sabe tan mala na'.

137 comments:

Anonymous said...

lol

Tendo said...

Cabron, dijistes pedregal de mojones y cai en cuenta. La mierda es como la tosca pero mas obscura. Es bien bonito.

Nerdote said...

^^^ese es el comment del año

Nerdote said...

En verdá q lo del "comment del año"fue dirigido al génio q escribió "LOL" pero tu comment estuvo triunfoso también jodio mierda de persona.

Tendo said...

jajaja cabron. Te quiero en el amor de cristo.

Geo said...

¡Madre mia!
Dime donde carajos como ese pollo pq la historia esta da vueltas alrededor de lo rico que estaba...

Por cierto, bienvenido a el club de los cagones. Aqui esta tu canasta complementaria, tu tarjeta de membresia y tu tshirt.

theblogmachine said...

Todo un triunfo masivo. A la hora de cagar cada cual tiene sus métodos, te entiendo lo del papel y la grasita siempre se pega. Me frustre leyendo el post.

Anonymous said...

charneco>>>>>

Nerdote said...

TheBlogMachine: ¡Qué malo es limpiarte con comidita y grasita en los dedos!

Anonymous: Jajaja ¿Quién sabe?

Anonymous said...

canto'e k....vas por la ruta del triunfo!!!!pero tienes q tener cuidado con los "post"!!!pq puedes terminar como el maricon confundido...!!..con el celebro lleno'e mierdaaa!!!buuuaaajjaajaaa

Nerdote said...

Pero si ya yo lo que tengo por cerebro es un mojón con forma de mickey mouse.

Anonymous said...

Hay una ventaja en to' esto: Limopialtel culo con dedos grasosos de poyo, causa que la grasa se pegue al papel y por lo tanto.....despues de limpiarte , el culo guele a poyito b.b.q. y no a MIELDA !!!!!!!! you fuckin pice a shit, cock suckin basterd.

Cooki3 said...

Chico para la proxima cuando estes en el trono chupate los dedos llenos de grasita de pollo y triunfas pq asi no se te pegan los dedos al papel y estas chillin, te limpias y luego sigues comiendo mas pollo y mas grasita, y al final PUFF todo directo al chicho jajaja

Nerdote said...

Es q me gusta guardarlo todo para el final!! Cookie cuando vas a hacer una cuenta pa' seguir este blog legítimamente??

Anonimo: gracias por siempre verle el lado positivo a las cosas . . .

JRDJL said...

JaJaJa...Porque siempre los post de caca son tan graciosos. La proxima vez, chupate los deos antes. Y lo mismo le he dicho a Cooki3...Ella es media lentita...JaJaJa...

Ache de la Rutz said...

Un relato de mierda que no es una mierda de relato.
Woah. Triunfo.

Ley La Terrorista said...

manny te tumbaron el kiosko por ser tan pendejo y desaparecer el negocio de la mierda es de nerdo ahora papi te quedaste atras

Nerdote said...

JRDJL: eah tiraera a Cooki3!!! Loco habla con tu pana pa' q abra una cuenta en google y q le someta al FOLLOW!! HE DICHO!

ACHE: buen juego de palabras triunfosas!

LEY: Eah, tengo q admitir q el blog de Manny fue algo q yo vi y dije: wow, hay gente igual de anormal que yo allá afuera. Su blog se ha visto abandonado desde q perdió su trabajo en el motel de bayamón. Aqu´l blog era GOLDEN pero ajá, ¿se habrá ido su musa con la llegada del desempleo?

MORFEA said...

Ja,ja,ja!!..Me cae que eres todo un personaje!!!...Uno de mis favoritos.

Salud!

Nosmierdamus said...

La mierda es parte de la cultura puertorriqueña y las luchas que uno hace para tener una buena cagada.

Nerdote said...

Luchar para cagar es triunfar.

jerry911 said...

porlomenos no te paso como a mi, tu savez q aveces cuando uno se esta limpiando y el deo traspasa por el papel y se te llena de caca! ps asi me paso el polqueria de papel de a peso se rompio, pero la pendeja no fue esa fue q cuando me termine de limpiar me levante y mi mai me dijo q me havia traido una bolza de cheetos y q estava en la mesa, en esa me enfusque y como que no cahi en cuenta q solo me lave la mano izquierda, quien carajo se limpia con las izquierda?, ps si sali del vaño motivao y pego a comerme los cheetos y cuando termine me dio con olerme los deos pero eso despues de que ya me los huviese chupao! era un olorsito como que a mielda eh gallina pero bien leve con un tokesito a cheetos! eso si que no Fue un triunfo!

Nerdote said...

Ay cabrón haz un blog porfavor esa historia está demente!

Ley La Terrorista said...

manny esta dizque de vacaciones bloggisticas segun me hablo por msn pero ese cabron debe regresar y Gajo mi marido bloggistico tambien es que son dos cabrones uno confundio y el otro ps otro cabron

voy a tener que sacrificarme pal boricua power ese a ver si esa pendeja resurge de las cenizas que tu crees?

Nerdote said...

Sí mano . . . .

Anonymous said...

SI LEY C TIRA PAL PODER....POR MI MADRE Q VUELVO A SEGUIR AL MARICON CONFUNDIDO!!!! AHIIII SI Q HAAAYYYYY.....JAJAJAJA

Ley La Terrorista said...

nerdo y ANOnimo vamos a hacerlo gancho crew edition ajajaja asi mi blog este y el de aquel cabron triunfan at the same time


W
I
N
!

Magdiel said...

Me senti identificado contigo. Creo que fue porque lo lei mientras cagaba... pero no estaba comiendo. Leer mientras cagas tripea!

Nerdote said...

^^Bien cabrón jajaja

Ley! 'perate! Explicame mejor!

Ley La Terrorista said...

loko si te digo se jode esto aki pero na pronto dejame hablar con manny a ver si aun me ama y me da permiso

Robi said...

Vete pa'l carajo... De seguro comiste caquita.

Anonymous said...

no se pq cuentos de cagar me dan nauseas.. y hambre a la vez.. y ganas de cagar.. creo q es un triunfo como quiera

Nizar said...

LABELS: CACA, POLLO

Eso en sí es un triunfo.

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